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#127792 - 08/02/05 08:54 AM Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
HK45C Offline
Operator

Registered: 12/19/99
Posts: 3786
Copied this off of another forum. The link to the original is at the bottom.

My neighbor’s kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her Honda civic.
Say it out loud now with me. Honda civic.

Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, Honda civic.

"Perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable: a good basic car for junior," I thought to myself.

The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.

The week after that, I walk out to the mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO as it slowly approached.....I could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy shit. I almost had a fucking seizure looking at this thing. Even the shifter knob was blinking.

.....Then about 48 hours later, I’m lying in bed, about ready to fuck my girlfriend when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbor’s garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be fucking around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought I’d go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior Richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.

Holy shit. I told him to please quit fucking with the car so I could sleep.

Wait, that is BY FAR not all.

The following week, he asks me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a Honda Civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds.
4 cylinders.
75 horsepower.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a retard.

It gets better.

2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and needs to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this motherfucker to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. Or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. That’s coming.
Here’s the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider and 2 inches lower than it was before.
He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this 'tard grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. Word. It was the flyest, dawg.

Circus act part 1.

Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldn’t let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb fuck would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. Dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.

He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground. And, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.

You should see how retarded this fucker looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid taillights. Blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.

Wait, that’s not all. Now hondtard wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo, and a kraagen auto parts special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (what’s left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
....Except you can’t hear the music. You can only hear the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.

Now it’s REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.

Okay. Now for hondtards carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60s mustang on it, and its ENORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the retardedness of the rear spoiler/picnic table.
Then out come the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some such shit airbrushed on the doors.

Clown car complete? Not yet.

As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuner guy" magazine, filled with equally retarded looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, I wanna make dis here b18 goes fast and shit. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So I asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most retarded car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That shit is be is funny and shit, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350 horsepower"
So I asked him: Why don’t you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a Camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go that fast any faster?

"Don’t be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo shit can’t hang" he tells me.
Now I’m pissed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, I’ll pull my Chevy van out of the garage and make your shit look like it was going backwards. No noss, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other retard car driving friends.
I’ll have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of shit bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ass. Get the fuck out of my garage.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "Fuck you dawg, ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.

Showdown.

Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condone street racing. However, when faced with a direct insult, challenge, and fuck you, any man tends to be defensive enough to take a few risks.

Beautiful sunny day. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I rev my engine, I sip my coffee.

Hondtard heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in their driveway. One is a new Acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's moms Civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the Richardson’s house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.

I climb in my car, check the gauges, and idle out into the road.

I look in my rearview, and I’m being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat retards pointing in my direction.

I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. I’m an adult.

Acuretard and hondtard pass me when I hit the I-20 on the left and the right.
Bzzzzzzzz.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to Longview when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt to box me in. Acuratard is revving his engine and pointing forward, hondtard is slowing me down in front of me.

Fuck it. I’ve had enough.

I stuffed it down into second gear, opened all 305 cubic inches wide open, almost rear-ended hondtard and swerved directly at acuratard.
I broke the rear tires loose at 70 miles an hour, and acuratard was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed up to catch me.

I dusted these little cocksuckers so bad they simply disappeared. I got off on the Longview exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of their own game. Right back atcha homie.

I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was pissed and coming for them.

I knew the Honda was slow, so I ignored him and brought it down right on the Acura’s bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenagers ass and popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas in third and was threatening to bump him. 90, 100, 110....
He couldn’t get away from me. He waved for me to pass. Hondtard was WAAAAY in the back.
The Acura fag was scared and beaten, and he knew it. I pulled alongside.

I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way off.

I stuck my finger in the air and screamed fuck you at acura tard, and dumped it, quickly accelerating to 130 MPH until they couldn’t see my taillights any more.

Later that evening, as I told my current girlfriend this story ("you’re a juvenile asshole, you could have killed those kids and you are going to piss off the neighbors") I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to the house. Holy shit. It’s a drive by. These fuckers want to kill me.
A knock on the door.
I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ass if I have to.

They want to see my car now. "Do you have noss?, is it a hemi?"

Fags. Get lost.

Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode skoo"

If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they make the car cooler. Then dust his ass once for good measure.

You simply have to see this kid’s car to believe it. If your car looks retarded and it’s fast, cool. Then you can look a little fucking special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class and built by retards and it s not even quick.

In honor of Dale "pimpdaddyhustla" Richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. I’m willing to help you install the noss and the v-tecs and let you try again.


http://www.pre-ban.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=37333

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#127793 - 08/02/05 09:38 AM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
HoolyGunsWife Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 311
Loc: CT
I think I saw that car on my way to work this morning laugh laugh laugh

Thanks for that, Glenn..made for some good lunchtime reading.

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#127794 - 08/02/05 01:29 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Uncle Fester Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/05
Posts: 161
Loc: NH
laugh Wait a minute, I drive a honda civic confused frown

Then again, I bought it because I drive about 40,000 miles a year, and putting gas into my Grand Marquis was really starting to piss me off (at $1.30 a gallon mind you). Why anybody would do things like that to a perfectly good car is beyond me.
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#127795 - 08/02/05 02:36 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Stephen Offline
Grand Poobah

Registered: 12/08/99
Posts: 3795
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Hahahahahahahaha......

That crap cracks me up.

Hell I blew away a ricer in my 3/4 ton diesel truck!

Glad I don't have a language filter on the BB...
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--Stephen
Keeper of the Tactical Handi Wipes

"...I could talk about industrialization and men's fashions all day, but I'm afraid work must intrude..."
Hans Gruber from Die Hard

The Cult of The P7 Fair and Balanced: "You report, we decide."

Ass seen in April 2004 SWAT Magazine.

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#127796 - 10/24/05 03:47 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Stephen Offline
Grand Poobah

Registered: 12/08/99
Posts: 3795
Loc: Dallas, Texas
BTT
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--Stephen
Keeper of the Tactical Handi Wipes

"...I could talk about industrialization and men's fashions all day, but I'm afraid work must intrude..."
Hans Gruber from Die Hard

The Cult of The P7 Fair and Balanced: "You report, we decide."

Ass seen in April 2004 SWAT Magazine.

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#127797 - 10/24/05 05:09 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Swedish Chef Offline
Sharp Shooter

Registered: 07/24/04
Posts: 504
Loc: Fucking ml, Sweden
Thanks Glenn! I'll be chuckling for weeks laugh , that was hilarious!
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#127798 - 11/22/05 12:20 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Rick Deckard Offline
Sharp Shooter

Registered: 03/31/01
Posts: 897
Loc: Buenos Aires, Argentina
+ 1 on the thank you note. This is priceless.

That rice burner fad is contagious. Pouring so much money and ressources on a basic car surely isn't a sign of maturity or intelligence.

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#127799 - 04/13/07 09:04 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
HK45C Offline
Operator

Registered: 12/19/99
Posts: 3786
A "what's your deal" thread at SigForums prompted me to search for this thread. I'm bumping it up just for laughs.

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#127800 - 04/14/07 12:37 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Mark71 Offline
Plinker

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 383
Loc: NJ
LMAO that was one of the funniest posts I have read in a while. It describes the kids in my town so well. jester

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#127801 - 06/05/08 09:19 PM Re: Long read but hilarious about those stupid Japanese plasticized big muffler cars
Nightmare Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 85
Loc: birmingham al
i know as usual im jumping into a long dead conversation but i have a civic you might like it makes 220 whp and weighs in at 2200 lbs but i only drive it at the track daily is an 04 rx8 with an 82 vette (in progress) becuase plastic isnt pretty but fiberglass is
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