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04/04/2003 Entry: "What is your "Born-on Date"?"
So what is your "Born-on Date" anyway?
Was it the day that you were conceived? Born? Found your God?
To answer the question would be cheating so let me delve a bit further.
Why is it that you are/I am here?
What is is that you are/I am expected to do?
How are you/am I supposed to do it?
I have always thought that one day, like magic, the proverbial light bulb would pop on in my head or somewhere deep in my psyche and I would see or perhaps, understand the reason for my being and what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. I feel that some get this 'call' early in life while others get the 'call' later in life and yet even the other others, like me, do not have call waiting and am on the phone when the 'call' tried to come through.
I often think of it as a riddle wrapped neatly inside of an enigma which has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar and placed on Ben and Jerry's front porch (no one knows who Funk and Wagnall are anymore).
But seriously - I do look at and think about those three items above and, quite frankly, it scares the daylights out of me because I cannot answer the questions honestly or seriously.
No, not everything in my life is a joke or funny. Even I get a bit cerebral at times.
This really scares the hell out of me.
People are always asking me "What do you want to do with your life?" and I always give the stock answer.
"I really don't know."
That's when I get one of two replies:
1. "No, really, what do you want to do?"
2. "What do you mean 'you don't know'?"
I was being dead serious.
Oh sure I have a bunch of interest - maybe too many, but none that would excite me for the rest of my working life.
"So what skills do you have?" is the usual next question of which I have 2 answers:
1. "A bunch."
2. "None."
Do you see where this is going?
How can I answer a question honestly when I have no idea of the answer myself? Hence the riddle in the enigma.
So why is it that I am here? What purpose am I serving? What difference can or will I make? In 100 years - who is going to care?
I have known and do know many of the 'lucky' ones that can answer these questions. I know architects that have been in practice for decades, love what they do and would have dreamed of nothing else; I have known those who wanted to be artists/painters and have done nothing else; I have known doctors and surgeons, actors and actresses, singers, dancers, ventriloquists, lawyers, Veterinarians and teachers who all have fulfilled what it is in their lives that they were meant to do.
The date and time of this revelation was their 'Born on Date'.
The unfortunate thing for me is that I can't look and see what my 'Born on Date' is. I don't know where to look and may not know what it is if I am staring right at it.
"So what are you good at?"
"Just about anything I put my mind to."
"What do you have problems with?"
"Bosses who know less than I do, work less than I do, care less than I do, get paid more than I do, get more credit than I do when I fix their problems..."
"Do you have trouble with authority?"
"Yes... yes I do in some cases."
"Why?"
"See above."
"That's just the way things are in the world... get used to it."
"Maybe in your world."
"Why do you find it so easy to get others great jobs, pay, pay increases and other fringes but not for yourself."
"I cannot sell myself. I am my own worst enemy."
"Do you lack confidence or have self-esteem issues?"
And this is where I was stuck for several minutes watching a blinking cursor.
I have never wanted fame or fortune. I have worked for those who did have fame and fortune and
I didn't see any more happiness than I had existing on the other end of the socio-economic scale. I'm not angry about that as I really don't need some of the opulent things I have seen people with and I can live on an honest days pay.
The one thing I can say with certainty is that I have lived my life, worked and behaved with honesty and integrity. I was always taught to do this and have done so. What kills me is those who don't adhere to the same code of ethics and conduct that I do get ahead in life. Will it come back and bite them in the butt later? Maybe. Then again, maybe not.
It's just not worth it to me to live my life any differently than I do and risk all that I am for what I could or should be. Maybe that sounds too Victorian, purist, naive or dumb but that's just the way it is in Stephenville (no - not the city).
Has this school of thought cost me?
Absolutely.
Do I regret that?
Absolutely not.
You can't buy, borrow, steal, rent, lease or procure integrity. You either have it or you don't. It's that simple. Much like ethics - you have it or you don't. You can't be on the fence about it - no more than you can have a 'sort-of but not always burnt out light bulb'. It is or it isn't.
These are the sorts of things that rattle me out of a perfectly good nights sleep. My brain had been filling (insert joke here) since about 3:28 this morning and now it's after 5:40
Maybe my 'Born on Date' has yet to be realized and life will get into full Technicolor for me with all diffusers and effects lenses cast aside.
Maybe my main purpose and goal are yet to be revealed and my Rubik's Cube of a career will all be sorted out and clear to me.
Maybe the next boss that I have will be able to know me, teach me, understand me and use me in a positive and challenging way.
Maybe I will make a difference and contribute to society.
Maybe I will have an impact on one's life and make a difference.
Maybe through this exercise I have had call waiting installed and can now accept 'that call'.
Now maybe I'll try and go back to sleep for a while.
Maybe.
Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.